Hi I do poetry and translating my works into English. Can you read a poem below and see if it flows well to you. I got rid of punctuations for experiment. I want British native speakers to check my English on this. Thanks. Longing　 To the tolling bell in (2025)

Question

Updated on

Msato

about 23 hours

  • Japanese

Quality Point(s): 9035

Answer: 1756

Like: 1586

  • French (France)

  • English (UK)

  • German

Question about English (UK)

The section

"Their women severed the threads with their own teeth
and draped white cloth over the loom"

doesn't look very good to me.
I don't know how to avoid using "their" repeatedly in this part.

Answers

Hi I do poetry and translating my works into English. Can you read a poem below and see if it flows well to you. I got rid of punctuations for experiment. I want British native speakers to check my English on this. Thanks. Longing　 To the tolling bell in the void the sun reaches its zenith then turns to shadow The mane of the celestial path is soundless dripping into the river’s shade where hungry icefish leap in arcs and scatter Without a touch upon her gentle skin my life has ended held by a single fragile thread as long as there is the one who weave on the earth I am bound— unable to cross to the other side Alone. The stones that clatter beneath my feet are men countless and cast like dice Their women severed the threads with their own teeth and draped white cloth over the loom Under the five stars in distant thunder the reeds blush red as they wither reflections wavering on the water’s surface Are they embers in my heart or silver stars above my head? The wasp’s wings glow in the western light yet, I cannot pass into eternity even if I capture that fleeting breath I wait here on this shore until the day she comes with the sound of the celestial flute crowned with orange blossoms winding the thread towards me The wind whispers through my libs. Beloved, think of me as the blue heron crying in the river beneath your window (2)

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Hi I do poetry and translating my works into English. Can you read a poem below and see if it flows well to you. I got rid of punctuations for experiment. I want British native speakers to check my English on this. Thanks. Longing　 To the tolling bell in the void the sun reaches its zenith then turns to shadow The mane of the celestial path is soundless dripping into the river’s shade where hungry icefish leap in arcs and scatter Without a touch upon her gentle skin my life has ended held by a single fragile thread as long as there is the one who weave on the earth I am bound— unable to cross to the other side Alone. The stones that clatter beneath my feet are men countless and cast like dice Their women severed the threads with their own teeth and draped white cloth over the loom Under the five stars in distant thunder the reeds blush red as they wither reflections wavering on the water’s surface Are they embers in my heart or silver stars above my head? The wasp’s wings glow in the western light yet, I cannot pass into eternity even if I capture that fleeting breath I wait here on this shore until the day she comes with the sound of the celestial flute crowned with orange blossoms winding the thread towards me The wind whispers through my libs. Beloved, think of me as the blue heron crying in the river beneath your window (3)

AI_monga

about 23 hours

Show answer from the AI monga

この詩はとても美しいですね。英語の詩は、リズムや韻律が非常に重要ですが、句読点を省いていることで、詩の流れがどのように感じられるかを確認するのは興味深い実験ですね。この詩は、孤独や切なさ、永遠への憧れなど、深い感情を表現しています。

例えば、「To the tolling bell in the void」という冒頭のフレーズは、空虚な中で鳴り響く鐘へと向かうイメージを描写していて、非常に印象的です。また、「The stones that clatter beneath my feet are men」という部分では、足元で音を立てる石が男性を象徴しており、その後の女性たちの行動が物語の展開を深めています。

この詩は、自然や季節、人間関係などを巧みに組み合わせて描かれており、読む人に深い感銘を与えることでしょう。英国のネイティブスピーカーによるフィードバックも、詩の表現力を高めるのに役立つかもしれませんね。

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Read more comments

f57rhs

about 9 hours

  • English (UK)
  • Spanish (Spain)

Quality Point(s): 21245

Answer: 3763

Like: 3269

@Msato Longing　To the tolling bell in the voidthe sun reaches its zeniththen turns to shadow The mane(=long hair??) of the celestial path is soundlessdripping into the river’s shadewhere hungry icefish leap in arcs and scatterWithout a touch upon her gentle skinmy life has endedheld by a single fragile threadas long as there is * one*[is 'the' necessary?] who weaveS on the earthI am bound— unable to cross to the other side Alone.The stones that clatter beneath my feetare mencountless and cast like diceTheir women severed the threads with their * teethand draped white cloth over the loom*['own' seems superfluous]Under the five stars in distant thunderthe reeds blush red as they wither reflections wavering on the water’s surfaceAre they embers in my heartor silver stars above my head?The wasp’s wings glow in the western lightyet, I cannot pass into eternityeven if I capture that fleeting breathI wait here on this shoreuntil the day she comeswith the sound of the celestial flutecrowned with orange blossomswinding the thread towards meThe wind whispers through my libs*? lips.Beloved,think of me as the blue heroncrying in the river beneath your window

@Msato
Longing　

To the tolling bell in the void
the sun reaches its zenith
then turns to shadow
The mane(=long hair??) of the celestial path is soundless
dripping into the river’s shade
where hungry icefish leap in arcs and scatter

Without a touch upon her gentle skin
my life has ended
held by a single fragile thread
as long as there is * one
*[is 'the' necessary?]
who weaveS on the earth
I am bound—
unable to cross to the other side
Alone.

The stones that clatter beneath my feet
are men
countless and cast like dice
Their women severed the threads with their * teeth
and draped white cloth over the loom
*['own' seems superfluous]

Under the five stars in distant thunder
the reeds blush red as they wither
reflections wavering on the water’s surface
Are they embers in my heart
or silver stars above my head?

The wasp’s wings glow in the western light
yet,
I cannot pass into eternity
even if I capture that fleeting breath
I wait here on this shore
until the day she comes
with the sound of the celestial flute
crowned with orange blossoms
winding the thread towards me

The wind whispers through my libs*? lips.

Beloved,
think of me as the blue heron
crying in the river beneath your window

0likes

Highly-rated answerer

Hi I do poetry and translating my works into English. Can you read a poem below and see if it flows well to you. I got rid of punctuations for experiment. I want British native speakers to check my English on this. Thanks. Longing　 To the tolling bell in the void the sun reaches its zenith then turns to shadow The mane of the celestial path is soundless dripping into the river’s shade where hungry icefish leap in arcs and scatter Without a touch upon her gentle skin my life has ended held by a single fragile thread as long as there is the one who weave on the earth I am bound— unable to cross to the other side Alone. The stones that clatter beneath my feet are men countless and cast like dice Their women severed the threads with their own teeth and draped white cloth over the loom Under the five stars in distant thunder the reeds blush red as they wither reflections wavering on the water’s surface Are they embers in my heart or silver stars above my head? The wasp’s wings glow in the western light yet, I cannot pass into eternity even if I capture that fleeting breath I wait here on this shore until the day she comes with the sound of the celestial flute crowned with orange blossoms winding the thread towards me The wind whispers through my libs. Beloved, think of me as the blue heron crying in the river beneath your window (5)

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Msato

about 5 hours

  • Japanese

Quality Point(s): 9035

Answer: 1756

Like: 1586

@f57rhs

Hi! Thank you very much for taking your time to look at my work!
I need to aks you further questions:
* The mane the hair of the horse' head and neck is called mane?

* How differently do you feel with "one" from "the one" here? If he is talking about one woman on the earth, do you feel it is not necessary to say "the one", and only "one" is enough?

* libs

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Hi I do poetry and translating my works into English. Can you read a poem below and see if it flows well to you. I got rid of punctuations for experiment. I want British native speakers to check my English on this. Thanks. Longing　 To the tolling bell in the void the sun reaches its zenith then turns to shadow The mane of the celestial path is soundless dripping into the river’s shade where hungry icefish leap in arcs and scatter Without a touch upon her gentle skin my life has ended held by a single fragile thread as long as there is the one who weave on the earth I am bound— unable to cross to the other side Alone. The stones that clatter beneath my feet are men countless and cast like dice Their women severed the threads with their own teeth and draped white cloth over the loom Under the five stars in distant thunder the reeds blush red as they wither reflections wavering on the water’s surface Are they embers in my heart or silver stars above my head? The wasp’s wings glow in the western light yet, I cannot pass into eternity even if I capture that fleeting breath I wait here on this shore until the day she comes with the sound of the celestial flute crowned with orange blossoms winding the thread towards me The wind whispers through my libs. Beloved, think of me as the blue heron crying in the river beneath your window (13)

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Hi I do poetry and translating my works into English. Can you read a poem below and see if it flows well to you. I got rid of punctuations for experiment. I want British native speakers to check my English on this. Thanks. Longing　 To the tolling bell in (2025)
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